Just a few minutes ago, I had a moment of realization; a thought that hadn’t affected me until this very second. I was washing my face and as I dried it off, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. All of the sudden I was staring at my face in awe. It hit me hard that I am really an adult. I may be only 22 but time has changed me… A lot!
You’d think that me being a grown up would’ve hit me more on my 21st birthday. Well, not exactly. When we turn 21, we get so pumped about living & drinking & partying. We don’t think “Oh I’m older.” Instead we think “I can finally DRINK LEGALLY!” So, time is finally hitting me tonight. I dont know if I like how I’ve spent my time but I can’t change it.
Honestly, I’m crying about what I just saw in the mirror and I have no clue why! No, I’m not old. And no, I’m not fat or sick looking. Yes, I look tired which could be the reason I’m emotional. In fact, I know it is.
I was just saying to my Aunt, “It’s not that I don’t like myself, I just pictured things way different when I was 18”. Which, let’s face it, we ALL did that. Maybe we still do at times. But it’s not supposed to be about who we wanted to become, it’s about who we are; it’s about who I am right now. We talk so much about the future & the past that we don’t have time to think about now. We think about tomorrow- a new day- but not today. I’m tired of everyone from high school asking me how my old friends or ex’s are. Gee, i dont know! Nor do I really care. My old friends bailed after high school & don’t ever contact me. And why the hell do I wanna talk about them?! Let’s just stop asking, today.
“Yes you are grown up,” my aunt said. “Your a beautiful woman, inside and out.” I know it’s cliche but I was so busy that I was forgetting that. I was forgetting who I truly am. I was just going through the motions, one day at a time. My response to her is more scary now that I think about it. I told her, ” Yea but I feel like nobody else knows that or cares. No one else sees it.” I said what?! Yea, I know. Pretty pitiful huh? I’m telling you, the worst critic is yourself.. Oh and mean girls. Cause they can be bitches!
My aunt responded to my pathetic sentence with, “The people who matter see it. They know it very well.” This did make me feel better. I guess it’s hard to see your reality and not like it 100%. No, I wouldn’t change what has happened to me or where I am. But I feel bad for that 16 year old me inside who was very imaginative, hoped to have things figured out by now, and still wants the fairytale. It’s driving me crazy. However, I do know that’s life. It’s crazy so why not ride it?!
I’ve changed a ton. I’ve gone from this little dancing girl at age 6…..
I grew a lot in school. And in terms of relationships, I learned a lot there too. But things didn’t truly speed up for me until 2012- the year Nana had her stroke. Than I became this girl in 2013 (below) who was focused on college, work and a party here and there. Oh and too stressed about money. But I am glad that I never lost myself in those years to drugs or some other crazy shit. I do have a good head on my shoulders. And no, I never even tired drugs.
Now I am this young woman (below) who is strong, smart, I guess beautiful, and living. I love my cat, I love my family and that will never change! I know what I want, who I am, and how I can hope things would turn out to be. It may be differently planned, but it should work out. Right?
Yes, I am right. It’s what I’ve been told and I’m imaginative enough to believe in happy endings. That’s me and you better like it! I won’t change me to fit in. I won’t change me to be “perfect”. As Heidi Klum said:
“Every girl is a 10!”
And so am I.