Ever think if someone and get the chills?

I do.

 In your life, this person could be just about anyone. They could be anywhere!  It isn’t necessarily someone you had a serious relationship with. But that depends on your story. It could be an old friend. Even a family member. Someone you don’t talk to now as much as you used to. It could be someone you knew well and cared for -at least that’s who it is with me.

 I had a friend who I knew most of my life. We basically grew up together. Kindergarten on, we were in the same group and classes. And in our small town, you grew up with the same group of kids and people. This person was a close friend and their family knew mine well. I was closer to him when we were younger. We drifted at times but always came back to being friends. We still had our jokes and memories that nobody “new to town” could touch. He was always there for me. I never knew it until we were older- in high school. That’s when I discovered how precious our friendship was.

I had several friends I knew as long as him if not longer. One friend of mine danced with me from age 2 until high school graduation. That happened with most of my dance friends. But school friends are different. There’s more work to be done and there’s more peer pressure. The group of friends that I never stopped liking in school, felt the same way with me. There was 4 of us. 2 girls & 2 boys. We were the kids to be. Until the other girl moved away in 5th grade. Then it was the 3 Musketeers. You could say that’s when everyone changed. But it wasn’t. We kinda took a break in middle school and had different friends. High school, me and one of them got closer than before. It was a new view for me. A new view for everyone! 

High school brought on a new world. Dances, football games & of course boyfriends. As puberty came, feelings came as often as they went.  It’s part of life! Rumors spread like wildfire and people thought we had crushes on each other. I was too busy- and I liked the new guys. I was a sucker for them! Stupid, I know. I don’t know what he felt. Honestly, I think our feelings scared both of us at two different times. I won’t say who was scared first but I’m sure they were different reasons. It’s funny to look back. I wonder what stopped him. What stopped me?! Even after graduation, people told me things about him I didn’t know. Things he wanted to do in high school. I got so carried away with dance and a serious boyfriend that I didn’t think about any of my friends as much. I know, it sounds horrible. But all girls do this. It’s not unusual to want to be loved and get attention. Right?! 

Anyways, I wish I knew secrets I was never told. I wish I knew plans or wants from him or my other friends. When I learned years later, I felt sick inside. I felt that I was a bad friend and I should’ve been there. My friends deserved better. He once said, “You deserve better than that Kylie! Way better! Not his crap.” I’ll never forget those words. I still sometimes get flashbacks. It was Senior year and I had just been dumped. I blamed myself. But my friends didn’t- thank god. And all I could say back to this guy I’d known forever was, “I know but Do I?! Because I must have done something wrong to cause this.” Even now, I hate myself for giving into this moment. I ended up back with that jerk instead of listening to ALL my friends. There should’ve been a better response from me to this close friend that I now miss. I hurt myself by hurting them… By hurting you. I’m sorry. We were all young. 

And stupid. 

But I can wish I did this instead of what i actually did and it doesn’t change anything. My senior quote: “Yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it.” – Lion King. I should’ve followed it and my brain better. Logic works. 

Obviously I can’t change anything but I can ask for forgiveness. I can want to be re-connected again. Even if it is a while from now! All I know is, there is a part of my life that I miss. It’s those past memories we shared with other kids even. Our senior class of 2011 had a common bond. But some of us had bonds that were hidden deeper than we cared to admit. 

I think now is the time to admit them before we run out of time. Or if not now, then soon. Dont you agree?   

 Thanks for reading! I don’t know what this was but I had to write it out. It’s been on my mind a while now…   

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